Recently I learned that when Certified Diva Mariah Carey enters a room, she likes for only her hit songs to be used as background music the entire time she is present.
And when I say “likes for” I mean that if you’re the deejay and you’re not playing Mariah, there’s a good chance your next gig will be at an interstate Ramada with the weeds growing in the parking lot cracks.
While some might think this is silly and over-the- top behavior, I think our girl might be onto something.
We all should have a theme song when we enter a room. I am considering demanding that each time I step into an elevator, office lobby or, OK, my own living room, the music should immediately switch to my personal theme song.
I didn’t actually have one until I read about Mariah but now I’ve adopted that Donna Summer classic: “She Works Hard for the Money.”
Who can resist a little ‘80s disco, amiright?
What follows is my list of possible theme songs for a few notables. Keep in mind, these are carefully curated suggestions that I have painstakingly developed following an exhaustive 10-minute Google search of popular song titles. OK, maybe I don’t work THAT hard for the money.
You’re welcome to come up with your own suggestions but for now I hope you’ll consider…
“I Can’t Make You Love Me” (Bonnie Raitt): Hillary Rodham Clinton
“21st Century Schizoid Man” (King Crimson): Donald J. Trump
“Toys in the Attic” (Aerosmith): Sarah Palin
“Gridlock!!” (Electric Six): Mitch McConnell
“The Sound of Silence” (Simon & Garfunkel): Empty halls of Congress while CDC begs for Zika funding during ill-timed summer recess.
“Space Oddity” (David Bowie): Ted Cruz
“Fat Bottom Girls” (Queen): OK, me again.
“Smells Like Teen Spirit” (Nirvana): Bernie Sanders
“I Just Don’t Know What to Do With Myself” (Dusty Springfield): Chris Christie
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” (U2): My 88-year-old Aunt Verlie rummaging in her purse for the past hour now
“Satan Gave Me a Taco” (Beck): Tim Kaine puzzling Hispanics at a political rally while meaning to say “I’m so glad to be here!”
“Macho Insecurity” (Dead Kennedys): Jeb Bush
“Take This Job and Shove It!” (David Allan Coe): Barack Obama
“Help!” (The Beatles): Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher after realizing her big dumb fiance Jordan Rodgers is actually an animatronic robot made by Mattel
“Little Lies” (Fleetwood Mac): Every woman who ever appeared on any episode of “The Bachelor” and said “You know I don’t usually do this on the first date...”
“Cold, Cold Heart” (Hank Williams): The checker at the grocery store who automatically gave me the senior discount
“Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car” (Billy Ocean): Josh Duggar, famous pervy big brother recently turned used car salesman
“I Say a Little Prayer…” (Aretha): Mike Pence, for his immortal soul
“I Got You Under My Skin” (Sinatra): Michael Phelps after noticing a disturbing rash in Rio
Celia Rivenbark is the New York Times best-selling author of “Rude B****** Make Me Tired.” Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.