You have to wonder about the Hollywood masterminds who decided to open any movie on the same weekend as “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” (and then, apparently, kills Alvin and the Chipmunks in their sleep.)
The score at the end of the weekend? Space creatures: $248 million; chipmunks, $14.4 million. When interviewed while exiting “Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Road Chip,” nine out of 10 moviegoers said: “I couldn’t see which theater to go in because my wookie fur was getting in my eyes. By the time I realized the mistake, it was too late to switch.”
Meanwhile, in a strip mall outside Detroit, two women wearing sweatshirts with kittens on them reportedly went to see “Sisters.”
Full disclosure: I’m one of those irritating types who gets Star Wars and Star Trek movies confused. Many years ago, I spent every Thursday evening in a ceramics class painstakingly painting an R2D2 robot for a Christmas gift for my then-husband. Yeah. Let that sink in. We were doomed from the start. I didn’t know my C3PO from my Spock (I think one has funny ears?) or my Millennium Falcon from a Ford Falcon. No clue.
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You might think that my complete ignorance of all things Star Wars would render me incapable of writing about it. But knowing absolutely nothing about a subject shouldn’t stop me just as it hasn’t stopped Trump. (“Someone told me that Jihadists have their meetings at the nearest IHOP. It’s disgusting; what can I tell you? Even terrorists love the Rooty Tooty. Boom, I said it.”)
While you might think the chipmunks had the most rotten week imaginable, you’d be wrong because the worst week award is being shared by Miss Colombia and the Miss Universe pageant host Steve Harvey.
Survey says! Steve Harvey is an IDIOT. No, not really. He just needs to wear his glasses. And stay out of Colombia for the rest of his natural life.
Mistakes happen in these live shows. It’s like how there surely must have been a mistake when “Crash” stole the Oscar from “Brokeback Mountain.” Does anyone honestly know where Steve Harvey was the night that happened?
I thought not.
Look, I’ve made a lot of fun of beauty pageants in the past. What can I say? I have a lot of time on my hands what with never having to repair the snake armbands on my Princess Leia slave costume in between Comic-Con outings.
But no one wanted to see the pageant end that way. With Miss Philippines laughing triumphantly and wrenching the crown right off Miss Colombia’s noggin while screaming: “Face, witch!”
OK, that didn’t happen. In a perfect world, Miss Colombia would’ve removed the crown herself and crowned Miss Philippines in a gesture of good-natured sisterhood. Alas, it was not to be. That sort of behavior isn’t all that common down here on Earth, where the dark forces often triumph over the light. See how I just did that?
Celia Rivenbark is the New York Times best-selling author of “Rude B****** Make Me Tired.” Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.