Celia Rivenbark

From the Belle Tower | Trump is the equivalent of the bubonic plague

Here’s a quick question based on the headlines this week which tell us that both Donald Trump and the bubonic plague are on the rise in this country.

What exactly is the difference between Trump and the plague?

That’s easy. One is a parasitic, malevolent force that threatens the health and welfare of all Americans and the other can be treated with antibiotics.

While bubonic plague isn’t polling all that well right now—almost all cases have been found in Western states with notoriously low numbers of electoral votes, it has made inroads into voter-rich Michigan as of last week.

Similarly, Donald Trump was relatively benign for decades, feasting on the carcasses of depressed economies and shielding himself from complete financial ruin by using Chapter 11 bankruptcy his own self.

Like a flea-bitten plague rat, he did come out at night, of course.

Trump was a staple of reality TV with his “Apprentice” show until NBC said “no mas” after inflammatory immigration comments.

The plague, like Trump, was on the periphery for years but has now demonstrated that it’s back, it’s black and it’s ready to rumble.

The good news about the plague is that the CDC reminds us that with “early detection” and antibiotics, we can totally survive it if we’re in decent health to begin with.

Who knew? But it makes total sense.

Early detection in the case of the bombastic billionaire Trump would translate into a few bad showings in the Republican primaries. A cure would follow fairly quickly in the form of Trump retreating to his Manhattan high-rise to ponder where it all went wrong.

Chicken hawk comments that appeared to disparage Vietnam war hero John McCain? Nope. He’ll blame the womenfolk. Not all of them are former models like his strangely silent wife. (Did she smother to death in one of her QVC caftans?) Was it the whole Megyn Kelly “bleeding from wherever” thing? Was it saying that nobody could vote for Carly Fiorina because of “that face” of hers? Was it the time he said of his daughter, Ivanka, “Yeah, she’s really something, and what a beauty, that one. If I weren’t happily married and, ya know, her father…”

Now shall we all adjourn to take a nice long Silkwood shower?

I don’t want to imply that I think that Donald Trump would be as detrimental to this country as an epidemic of bubonic plague. No, I don’t want to imply it. I’m just going to come right out and say it.

The good news is that, yes, with early detection, there is almost always a fighting chance. I’m sure that Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson would gladly administer the shot that would eradicate Trump for good. He is a doctor, you know. He’s mentioned that a few times.

Donald Trump and the bubonic plague? Sure, they both seem tenacious and scary right now but, at the end of the day, this is America. We got this.

Celia Rivenbark is the New York Times best-selling author of “Rude B****** Make Me Tired.” Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.

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