Celia Rivenbark

Hillary, girl ... too soon; too soon

Hillary Clinton’s newest book, with the shell-shocked sounding title of "What Happened," will "drop" as they say in a couple of weeks. So why do I feel like ducking?

That’s easy. As the kids say: "Too soon."

A book that promises a frog-in-paraffin style dissection of Clinton’s ill-fated 2016 presidential campaign seems painful and, well, wholly unnecessary.

We KNOW what happened. We don’t need a 512-page book to say what we can say in one little sentence: "She should’ve spent more time in the fly-over states eating turkey legs and talking jobs." See how easy that was?

Turns out Ohio, etc. felt overlooked and disrespected. It’s like being the only teenage girl in your friend group who didn’t get asked to the big dance by a pimply guy holding a pizza with the bell pepper chunks spelling out "PROM?"

That stuff hurts, y’all. So, yes, lesson learned. Wisconsin, Ohio, rural Pennsylvania, all y’all: Message received. Whoever the Dems nominate in 2020 will need to visit every county fair from here to Nutjob, Nebraska. That’s a lot of fried Snickers and Rooster bingo so rest up now Elizabeth, Kamala, Al (Gore or Franken), Corey, Joe, Bernie…especially Bernie.

Clinton’s book is pre-selling well. But speaking as someone who has her other books on a shelf in my living room (always handy when I need a good cry), Ima wait this one out.

Of course, it wasn’t JUST the ignoring of the heartland, there was also the sheer golly-Pete gullibility of voters who read crazy lies on the interweb and then shared them. Who knew pesky Russian trolls were planting millions of fake stories on social media for fun and profit every day? And who knew that voters would fall for it? What’s that? Hillary deleted some emails? Benghazi? Somebody get me a likker drink.

Maybe I’m naïve but I think even the trolls could’ve been countered and a win could’ve been achieved if Clinton had shown up for Kentucky Hot Brown night at the Rotary a little more often. There’s power in cheese sauce, y’all.

The "trailer" for Hills’ new book promises to take the reader "inside the intense personal experience of becoming the first woman nominated for president by a major party in an election marked by rage, sexism, exhilarating highs and infuriating lows."


We’re living the infuriating lows right now. Our nation is so divided and cynical my Facebook lit up with neighbors bashing the solar eclipse, labeling it "a nothing burger." Said one: "I only had 96 percent totality." This from someone who never used the world "totality" in his whole life. What is WRONG with you people?

Stop whining and start planning. Let’s not dwell on "what happened." Let’s not be part of a once-every-100 years event and register the same awe and wonder as if we just got our car towed. Our masses may be poor. We may be tired. But the future lies in huddling together. So in three years, no one will have to ask, "What happened?"

The writer is a NYT-bestselling author and humor columnist who lives in Wilmington, North Carolina.