Celia Rivenbark

In Trumpland, everyone gets a good (book) deal

If you ask me, the real winners so far in this wackadoodle Trump administration are the ones who have been nudged out of their appointed jobs or outright fired. Why do I say that? Because, to paraphrase a little known one-time TV talk show host, "YOU get a book deal! YOU get a book deal! YOU get a book deal!"

Although, to be accurate, in the case of Anthony "The Mooch" Scaramucci, it will probably be more of a "pamphlet deal" owing to his brief 11-day stint as Director of White House Communications. Yeah, The Mooch didn’t stay long enough to write a book so his memoirs will be more on the order of those brochures you see at the Health Department like "I am Joe’s Colon." Sounds about right.

But the others? We’re talking seven figures, easy. Literary agents must be swarming former press secretary Sean Spicer right now. I bet Spicy can’t even run down to the Home Depot for a bag of pine bark nuggets without being besieged by agents. Publishers pay big bucks for a tell-all and what fun it would be to read his true account of what it’s like to go to work the very first day tasked with convincing a roomful of reporters that a crowd only slightly larger than a Rodan + Fields convention was "a million, million and a half" people. Reporters are notoriously better at writing than math but nobody believed that balderdash. Seriously, most of us can’t even carry the one.

While Spicy’s memoirs are what I crave, I’d also fork over the $27.95 or so to read Chris Christie’s tome. Unceremoniously dropped like a very large, very fluffy hot potato from the Trump transition team, a shaken Christie was recently given the Miss Congeniality prize of heading Trump’s opioid task force so all isn’t lost. Yes, when I picture someone concerned with the nation’s health and wellness Chris Christie springs to mind.

(With Trump, every day is "Opposite Day." You put a man with clearly addictive traits in charge of defeating opioid abuse; you put Scott Pruitt, the guy who has never met a glacier he wouldn’t want to frack in charge of the EPA; you install Rick Perry as Secretary of Energy despite the fact he has no idea what an energy secretary does so he comes out in favor of banning transgender troops. Yeah, that makes sense. Why not make Abby Lee Miller Secretary of the Treasury? Hmmm?)

Fired FBI Director Jim Comey will get offers but publishers will need a ghostwriter to sexy it up a bit. Comey’s personality would make Sgt. Joe Friday seem unhinged.

Deposed Chief of Staff Reince Priebus will also be approached to write a tell-all but something tells me the poo-eating perpetual smirk on his book jacket photo will land his tome in that sad Dollar Tree bargain book section. Right beside mine.

It seems the only ones who have job security are Jared and Ivanka. Now don’t you all feel safer knowing that? Yeah, me neither.

The writer is a NYT-bestselling humorist.