Celia Rivenbark

The new basic economy airfares are insane | From the Belle Tower

By Celia Rivenbark

For The Sun News

I know that many of you think the only thing the internet is good for is clicking on stories with provocative teasers such as “What Angie Harmon Looks Like Now is Insane!”

OK, first of all, Angie Harmon? Is there some huge Angie Harmon-obsessed fan base that NEEDS TO KNOW RIGHT NOW what she looks like and whether her looks are, or are not, INSANE?

“Insane” is one of those words that gets tossed about way too often.

I’ve done it myself. And by “it” I mean describing a sweater at the Banana Republic outlet as being an “insane” bargain. C’mon. I’m being an idiot. A better word would be “awesome.” Strike that. That should only be used for sunsets and Simone Biles.

But you want to know what is decidedly insane and definitely not awesome? While clicking about and not thinking about Angie Harmon, I ran across a legit story reporting that some airlines will soon charge passengers to use that overhead bin. And that’s not all! If you buy what is now called the “basic economy class” reduced-price fare, you also will be asked to remove your clothing and wear a barrel and suspenders while holding a sign that reads: “Poor people suck.”

Well, not LITERALLY. That’s another overused word that is almost always used incorrectly. I’m guilty here, too. Just last week I said “If Donald Trump shows us his tax returns, I will literally eat my own eyeballs,” I don’t mean it. That would be INSANE.

While I “alternate fact-ed” the part about the barrel and suspenders, you absolutely will be outed as “less than” because anyone who buys the reduced fare ticket must BOARD THE AIRPLANE LAST after all the prissy people are on board. We are one step away from … “Ladies and gentlemen, from the flight deck, we would like you to know that all of the overhead bins are full; thank you first class, business class, vegan class, priority gold, silver, platinum, pewter, aluminum and everyone else who paid appropriately. Now the poor people may board. Here they come but don’t stare! That would be rude!”

To be fair, the “basic economy class” tickets from United, Delta and American airlines may keep you from using the overhead but you will be allowed to stuff something under the seat in front of you. Most likely all your dignity and dreams. They should fit.

If you buy the cheap ticket, you can’t select your seat, even if you book months in advance. You will sit where they tell you to only after you check in. In (alternate) fact, they will actually bring in stunt toddlers from central casting to sit on either side of you and wail.

In case you’re wondering, these bare-bones tickets are to help the major carriers stay competitive with famously cheap airlines that offer deep discounts for things like sitting on the wing. Not the seat over the wing, the actual wing. Kidding! That would literally be awesomely insane.