The 2018 Winter Olympics have been going on for an entire day and a lot of NBA fans are already asking: Won’t they ever end?
Well, Buckos, I am here with the answer.
The Olympics will end Feb. 25 so chill, will you?
I know you have many more questions about this year’s Olympics and I have many answers. Come with me.
Where are the Olympics being held? This year’s Games are in PyeongChang, South Korea. And please don’t confuse PyeongChang with Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea. PyeongChang is the one with no missiles but a whole lot of snow.
Where can I watch? NBC, of course, and the various NBC networks. CNBC has pledged to interrupt its coverage whenever there is a 1,000-plus plunge in the Dow.
So, OK, I know where in the world Matt Lauer will be watching – at home – but what about Bob Costas? Won’t he be hosting again? Well, I hate to say it but Bob is getting a little worn out. Last time we saw him at the Olympics he was fighting pink eye. So this year a young Mike Tirico will be your primary host. So far no eye problems.
Is Lindsey Vonn really that good? Oh, come on, man. You cannot be serious. Lindsey Vonn is the best there ever was. She’s won four World Cup overall championships – one of two women to accomplish that – and in 2016 she won her 20th World Cup title. No one, man or woman, won more – including Sweden’s great Ingemar Stenmark, who won 19. Oh, yes, did I mention that Lindsey is from Minnesota? Well, she is.
Who the heck is Chloe Kim? Chloe Kim is a 17-year-old snowboarder from Southern California – you know, the place with all the snow? Sports Illustrated tells us she is about to become America’s Sweetheart. At the 2016 U.S. Snowboarding Grand Prix, she scored a perfect 100 points, a feat she shares only with Shaun White.
What about Mikaela Shiffrin? Mikaela skis the slalom and, yeah, she’s good, too. But then there’s that Lindsey Vonn thing …
What’s the difference between a salchow, a lutz and an axel? How should I know? I don’t even skate.
Hey, will there be cheatin’, dopin’, lyin’ Russians in these Olympics? Actually, there will be Russians, that handful who never tested positive for drugs. However, they won’t be competing for Russia or, well, Vladimir Putin. They will compete as Olympic Athletes Who Just Happen to be From Russia. No, not Russia, Oregon, you sillies.
What about the North Koreans? Yes, Virginia, North Korea will have athletes in the Winter Olympics. It will have skaters and skiers and hockey players. In fact, North and South Koreans will form the Korean women’s hockey team. (Oh, Lordy, don’t let them beat the USA.) And look out for North Korea’s figure skaters. They ain’t bad.
Speaking of hockey, what happened to the National Hockey League players? Well, they won’t be there. The NHL got tired of interrupting its regular season for a low-paying Olympics gig. The U.S. will rely on minor league players and players from European leagues – all of whom weren’t good enough for the NHL. I say bring back Herb Brooks’ college kids. USA! USA! USA!
Speaking of pay, do the Olympic athletes get any money? Actually, the US Olympic Committee rewards gold medalists $37,500, silver medalists $22,500 and bronze medalists $15,00. No medal, no money. Welcome to capitalism.
Contact Bob Bestler at firstname.lastname@example.org.