Life as a conservative would be much easier; no critical thinking skills required

In order to simplify my next life, I’ve decided to be reincarnated as a conservative economist. Life as a liberal has proven far too complex. Having to look at all sides of a question and do research and read stuff and take into account the interests and opinions of those whose situations and motives differ from mine takes a lot of time. And consulting experts? Ugh! It takes forever to figure out what they are saying and then reconciling it with all the conflicting information swirling around is just darned inconvenient.

There are too many shades of grey and too much nuance for me to be bothered with any longer.

What I long for is a career, supported by an ideology, that can point me to simple answers to difficult questions and will save me all that irritating analysis and fact-checking. Thus, conservative economist it is. When someone asks me about tax policy, all I need to do is consult page one of the conservative ideologue’s reference manual and there is the answer – cut taxes for the rich, raise them for the poor, stand back and watch the wealth trickle down. Bazinga!

The Pentagon’s budget? Page two of my esteemed document says “make us great” by increasing it and killing a lot more of those people who are different from us. Welfare programs? Slash them with a vengeance and watch the 47 percent of takers and their kids swing in the wind. Inheritance taxes? Eliminate them completely so the 0.2 percent of people who pay them can hold their heads high out in the Hamptons and their kids can hold on to their daddy’s mega-mansions. Government regulations? Abolish each and every one so we can have a profitable (for big banks) re-enactment of the 2008 financial crisis.

Trade? Provide government incentives for businesses to manufacturer in countries where workers are paid less than $1 per hour so we can help our businesses succeed. Energy? Feel the thrill! Drill baby drill. In a word (this is helpful in remembering the primary plank in Reaganomics), rob from the poor to give to the job negators.

Consulting this conservative tome in my next lifetime will eliminate the irksome need to think critically and will save untold hours in my workday. It may take a while to get used to my new practice of chanting pre-written profundities, but my buddies at the RNC and the Heritage Foundation and the Chamber of Commerce will help me along by assuring everyone what a wonderful human being I am, which, in this current lifetime, is seldom mentioned.

In addition, I can look forward to being befriended by people who won’t speak to me today. Won’t that be jolly! I’ll miss my old friends at Drinking Liberally, but all they ever want to talk about is charitable giving and exploring issues in depth using data-driven evidence and how best to make things work for all Americans, so I’ll get over it. Why mess around with strife? Give me the simple life.

The writer lives in Pawleys Island.

This story was originally published October 14, 2016 at 4:33 PM with the headline "Life as a conservative would be much easier; no critical thinking skills required."