The Republican presidential candidates are debating tonight in Greenville.
I won’t be there, of course, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have some questions. They aren’t exactly earth-shattering, just some stuff I’d like to know. Here are a few:
▪ Mr. Trump, I notice you occasionally drop the F-bomb during your speeches. If you were president, which country would you F-bomb first, Mexico or China?
▪ Gov. Kasich, how do you pronounce your name? No, I mean your last name.
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▪ Dr. Carson, you are a much admired surgeon. Tell me, who among all presidential candidates is most in need of a brain transplant?
▪ Sen. Cruz, one of your main goals is abolishment of the IRS. Could you do it before April 15?
▪ Sen. Rubio, you repeated yourself several times in the last debate. Is it safe to say that your favorite movie is “Groundhog Day?”
▪ Mr. Bush, I notice you spent about $5,000 for every vote you got in Iowa. If I vote for you in this crossover primary, can you drop $5,000 my way?
▪ Sen. Cruz, are you related to Penelope?
▪ Sen. Rubio, can I get you some water?
▪ Mr. Trump, you said Pope Francis doesn’t understand America’s immigration problems. Do you think the pope understands 2nd Corinthians — or, rather, Two Corinthians?
▪ Sen. Cruz, I’m told that not many of your Senate colleagues like you. Would you agree they’re a bunch of dirt-bags?
▪ Dr. Carson, are you still awake?
▪ Gov. Kasich, you haven’t actually attacked any of your opponents. How in the world do you expect to become president of the United States?
▪ Mr. Trump, do you worry that your head might be too big for Mount Rushmore?
▪ Sen. Cruz, several people on the right still refer to the president by his full name, Barack Hussein Obama. Are you concerned that they might begin using your full name, Eduardo Rafael Cruz?
▪ Sen. Rubio, I understand you broke a molar on a Twix. If you can’t handle a Twix, how will you handle Hillary?
▪ Gov. Bush, would you please clap?
Contact Bob Bestler at firstname.lastname@example.org.