“OMG! Mom’s getting married again!” | Real Life

“Dear Gary:

Mom and Dad always partnered sensibly and knowledgeably about everything. Dad died a couple of years ago, but Mom’s OK in her isolated golden-age widowhood, and comfortably affluent. We scattered children are happy about that.

Recently she announced that she’d begun dating, and a month later announced that she plans to marry the guy. So that’s why she’s talking and thinking differently recently! It’s welcome, joyful news that beloved Mom is finding love and companionship.

But, is it? We’re very concerned! Reasons:

What’s the hurry? Just dating, and for only a couple of months, how can she really know this man’s true nature?

And, despite her lifetime of level-headed experience, she seems unaware of the reality that a second time around is loaded with blended-family complications, unlike the age-twenty bubble-world’s ‘We’ll-grow-up-together-and-work-everything-out-as-we-go’.

Gently and lovingly raising these and other questions with her brings only a few superficial info bits, and then uncharacteristic stonewalling, even though she knows and believes that our concerns are only about her happiness, and we’re not seeking to protect our future inheritances.

Why the stonewalling? Is she afraid of having to discover and face unwelcome truths? Blithely ignorant of them? Unknowingly victimized by reasoning-distorting, facts-suppressing emotional forces? Unsure and confused about how to handle this strange unfamiliar life event, therefore intimidated about discussing it, even with her children? And excusing that by invoking the ‘private and personal’ excuse?

She did disclose the fact that Fiance insists on jointly co-mingling their assets and incomes, each to have open access to all of it. What a sweet symbol of dedicated, committed mutuality!

Or is it? He’s financially unsophisticated and has far, far lesser means. She seems a bit worried by that idea. Maybe sort of sending a distress call by telling us? We’re a whole lot more than ‘a bit worried’ about what that says about this guy. But, she rejects our ‘OMG’s’. Result: tension and family conflict!

How can we worried, loving, supportive children resurrect constructive and welcoming rapport with Mother, to help her to avert disaster and find and steer the best courses in the best interests of both her heart and her pocketbook?”

Feel the love and devotion, but also the anguish, in Daughter’s plea, even in this summarized version? And she so elegantly describes a contemporary issue that so many of us must address, whether we are Mom, Dad, the parent, child, family member, or friend.

Been through this, one way or another? Please share your ideas; We could compile them into a column.

I replied to daughter:

“You are awesome! Such deep love, caring, wise, objective and informed regard for your mother!

Family dynamics like yours abound, far more than we realize. Other readers and OLLI students tell me about theirs. Yes, we all — everyone — allow our hearts to overwhelm our minds. Common sensitivity defeats common sense, usually involuntarily and subconsciously — and always even though we adamantly insist that we’re being objective.

My non-expert, but experienced communicator sense is: Your challenge is to melt away the defense-mechanism stonewalls. How successfully to do that and motivate Mother? People are motivated through appeals to emotions. Selling is 90% appeals to heartthrobs, and 10% to logic.

Seems to me that she’s reachable via two emotional channels: Negative ones, such as her fear, insecurity, doubt, and apprehension, that you mentioned. Positive ones, such as her joy, sweet expectations, anticipated happiness, also as described. Behavioral scientists teach that the positive route is preferable.

And it’s almost always far more effective when it’s delivered by “third-party influence,” someone else that the person admires and respects -- Maybe the pastor, a favorite author or teacher, a trusted and admired friend or fellow club member. How about all of you children in unison saying something like: “Mother, we’re happy about your developing beautiful togetherness life with Fiance, and we’ll love helping you make it even better, to take care of everything that could tarnish it. _____ and _____ are really smart and sensible. Why not listen to them? Let’s!”

The Internet offers a great deal of good, friendly information and advice. Could you, your siblings, or third-party role model and Mother enjoy an afternoon of net-surfing together? Google “Remarriage,” “Blended families,” “Estate, financial planning for elders and second marriages”, “Social Security, pensions, Widows’ benefits in re-marriage”, “AARP and National Institute for Aging publications and literature”, “The second time around”, and any other keywords that you think of. You’ll find authoritative articles and free books. Hopefully, Mother will welcome them; they aren’t her kids preaching to her. They can be effective third-party influence.

Where else?: Those trusted, emulated admired friends and fellow club members who have suffered disastrous re-partnering episodes, and are pleased to share their experience and their hindsight about how their mistakes were made, plus their “I shoulda’s” -- Powerful! And how about Mother’s revered pastor, community or church family counselor? Again, third-party influence.

I think that your vibes about Fiance suggest two specific strategies, things that a vast number of golden-age re-partnering couples are doing. In my view, they’re good-sense re-partnering:

We see a common practice now, a result of increasing life expectancy, family dispersion, eligibility rules for entitlements, the emancipation of women, quiet pastoral concurrence, and changing moral values. Successfully emulating an increasingly popular practice among seniors, it avoids all the legal and psychological quagmires: “Trial marriage”, now socially normal and acceptable. Uncommitted temporary co-habitation -- The only way to learn the real nature of one’s partner, and without exit problems. But only after a long getting-comfortable relationship. And only if thoroughly papered by a co-hab agreement detailing each ones’ financial responsibilities, reiterating the separation of assets — No promises, co-mingling or joint ownerships -- disclaiming any rights to each other’s assets and incomes — protecting each one’s eligibility for entitlements -- and drafted by an attorney who concentrates in such family law disciplines. If Fiance rejects this idea, then, yep! — your vibes were right, and Mother can realize that she’s avoided a life-long disaster.

If marriage results, it can be stronger, more harmonious, and more secure because of the trial marriage’s togetherness-nourishing learning about, and adapting to, each other. But BEFORE wedding, update both’s estate plans. If I were Mom’s lawyer, I’d insist on “bulletproofing” her assets via ownership titling or in a personal inter-vivos trust that specifies the distributions to Fiance and his family’s family, has you or a sibling as a co-trustee (or successor), and becomes irrevocable at death. It could be irrevocable to start with if desired. Be sure to carry out the re-titling of the assets into the trust.

Also, a companion pour-over will governing any assets that should remain titled to Mom. Also: A rock-solid pre-nuptial agreement reiterating the features described above in the co-hab agreement, and more, and specifically waiving marital rights. Also general and durable power of attorney, you and/or siblings to be co-attorneys- in-fact. And, while the lawyer is working, a medical directive (”Pull the plug”) and health care power of attorney. The trust, medical directive, and the POAs should be officially recorded.

All of this is expensive and time-consuming, and should be done by an attorney who concentrates in the field every day. It’s vitally important to do it completely and thoroughly. Worth the expense and the hassle? Would both you and Mom like to have solid reasons to feel relaxed, joyful, confident, secure, and worry-free?”

OK, your turn — What’s your wise advice to daughter?

This story was originally published November 8, 2016 at 11:04 AM with the headline "“OMG! Mom’s getting married again!” | Real Life."