Full House at the Oscars, FULLER House on Netflix

By Josh Bell

For The Surge

Leonardo DiCaprio poses in the press room with the award for best actor in a leading role for “The Revenant” at the Oscars on Sunday, Feb. 28, 2016, at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles.
Leonardo DiCaprio poses in the press room with the award for best actor in a leading role for “The Revenant” at the Oscars on Sunday, Feb. 28, 2016, at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles. Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP

It was Oscars week last week, the annual awards show where famous people give other famous people awards for being famous, so the Oscars were on and all anyone can talk about during Oscars week is the Oscars so we’re going to talk about nothing but the Oscars today. And Fuller House.

Here goes.

Hey! The Oscars kicked off on Sunday, and it didn’t disappoint.

The biggest story on the red carpet was, of course, Leo. In addition to already being literally the coolest guy on the planet, Leo decided to SLAY the “Sexiest Man Alive” game by bringing his mother to the Oscars. Female fans everywhere couldn’t even.

As Leo waited to hear his name called, his butt cheeks almost certainly clenched up at the mention of 2015 winner Eddie Redmayne’s name, and then the moment came.

“And the Oscar goes to…Leonardo DiCaprio.”

As nearly 30 years of memes sadly died all in an instant, Leo rose from his chair and accepted the award while Rose from Titanic sat in the audience crying and collectively all of us broke into tears because Billy Zane is a JERK and how is it that he lived and Jack died and now here they are together in the same room and it’s not even REAL. I hate everything.

Leo Wilhelm then bounded off stage left to live a life that you and I could only dream of, and the show rolled on.

Spotlight took the Best Picture award, and to be totally honest with you someone’s gonna need to fill me in on what exactly Spotlight is. All I know is that Batman (Michael Keaton) is in it, and that’s good enough for me.

Alejandro G. Iñárritu continued to DOMINATE the Oscars for the second year in a row winning the Academy Award for The Revenant, and was responsible for one of the more awkward moments of the night when he continued to talk for 17 minutes after the sound booth tried to play him off. Seriously, he’s still talking right now. It’s on ABC. The Dolby Theatre is empty. Alejandro Iñárritu doesn’t care. NO ONE tells Alejandro Iñárritu when to stop talking.

Lady Gaga continued her “I’m normal” campaign at the Oscars by performing her new song, “Til It Happens To You.” Beautiful song, but here’s the thing. You can’t spend 10 years arriving places in an egg and wearing a suit made of meat and then just decide to all of a sudden pretend none of that happened. You wore a bird’s nest on your face. I saw it. I can’t take you seriously. Is she talented? Yes, extremely. But you wore a Christmas tree on your head.

Also in the news this week, that’s right, that crazy clan of Tanners. Fuller House premiered on Netflix last Friday, and besides that stupid “Damn Daniel” meme, it’s pretty much all people can talk about. Seriously, stop with the “Damn Daniel” thing. It isn’t funny. Stop.

For those of you who don’t know or have been living under a rock for any extended period of time, the new series centers around DJ “Fuller” (see what they did there) whose firefighter husband apparently died, leaving her a widow. Immediately I’m seeing some red flags. Every Tanner that’s ever married has become a widow. That’s not a good statistic. I’m pretty sure Danny Tanner killed both his wife Pam and DJ’s husband. Probably for not using a coaster. It’s at the very least extremely probable.

The most important takeaway from the pilot episode of the new streaming series is that Stephanie Judith Tanner got INFINITELY hotter. A lot of the same old gags and jokes make a quick appearance early on, and of course Mary-Kate and Ashley are called out in a fourth wall break of biblical proportions.

Everything comes together in the meat of the show, forming a gender swap for a nearly identical plot line as the original series.

Originally when I saw that this abomination was happening, I was somewhat intrigued, to be honest. Reality shows have taken over the world and it’s refreshing to see a family show marketed to today’s audiences.

Then I saw the first preview for the series, and that was a big nope for me. Imagine if you had a party, invited all your friends, and then all of our moms showed up and started doing “the Carlton.” Suddenly that’s what this show was to me.

Finally came the day (today) when I begrudgingly decided to give it a shot, and forced nostalgia aside…I didn’t hate it.

To those of us who survived the ‘90s together, the Tannerinos will most definitely make you feel a little older, and every time a kid pulls out a cell phone you’ll close your eyes and wish it was 25 years ago, but overall Fuller House…not bad. More sex jokes, less Michelle (thank you Netflix), same house.

To sum up: Congrats Leo, we will all treasure the memes you gave us, please Ms. Gaga, stay away from “hats”, if you meet a Tanner DO NOT MARRY THEM, and it’s OK to live with your best friend and brother-in-law in a townhouse in San Francisco, no matter what anyone else says. And if Netflix brings back Quantumer Leaper, I riot.