Surge

BREAKING BELL | 11 things Johnny Manziel should not do if the L.A. Rams pick him up

By Josh Bell

For The Surge

Johnny Manziel. Courtesy photo.
Johnny Manziel. Courtesy photo.

So the Rams are moving to Los Angeles. This excites me for one small reason.

Hue Jackson was just hired as the 19th head coach of the Cleveland Browns.

Jackson has alluded to the fact that one of his first moves as head coach will be to part ways with Johnny Manziel.

With Manziel on the market, very few teams are showing interest in the troubled quarterback, considering his numerous off-the-field issues. The No. 1 team expressing interest in his services, according to NFL analysts and experts?

The St. Louis Los Angeles Rams.

Can you even imagine what type of joy that would bring to the world? I mean, the amount of trouble this guy was able to get into in CLEVELAND, and now there’s a chance he may be going, going, back back to Cali, Cali? Well not back, but the reference still fits.

Things Manziel should NOT do when/if (when) he makes it to LA:

▪  Bar hop with Shia LaBeouf

▪  Bar hop with 1996 Robert Downey Jr.

▪  Bar hop with anyone, ever, ever, ever, ever

▪  Go to the Viper Room

▪  Date a Kardashian

▪  Attend a party at Justin Bieber’s house

▪  Go for a drive with Caitlyn Jenner

▪ Go on a double date with Chris Brown

▪  Go shopping with Amanda Bynes

▪  ANYTHING with Charlie Sheen

▪  Lindsey Lohan

Also in the news, as I’m sure you’ve heard, is the #OscarsSoWhite movement that’s been dominating the headlines.

This is absurd for a number of reasons.

First, Leonardo DiCaprio is attending the Oscars this year. Leonardo DiCaprio has been nominated for an Oscar six times, and has consistently gone home empty-handed. By “empty-handed” clearly I mean with two or six supermodels on his arm and millions of dollars in his bank account and a marvelous head of hair. If anyone deserves to start a hashtag and boycott the Academy Awards, it’s good ‘ol Arnie from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.

Second, aren’t we all millionaires after this awards thing is over? By “we” I mean “you” of course, but it bears mentioning. “Bears”, lol. Bear. The Revenant. Bear. OK nevermind. It seems to me that there are greater tragedies in the world than not getting s taste you can buy a replica of in the Universal Studios gift shop at any amusement park in the continental United States. I have 12, I buy them in bulk and hand them out as gifts for birthdays and Arbor Day. My mom loves getting her “Best Nephew” award every year. They were all out of “Mom” noms, so.

And last, speaking of “it could be worse,” let’s take a minute to think about Nick Cannon. Why Nick Cannon, you might ask? Hell if I know, but in my mind it seems like that’s got to the least likely scenario for anyone ever winning an Oscar ever, ever, ever ever ever. Anything above a Razzie, really. Can you honestly ever imagine any scenario ever in which Nick Cannon accepts the Academy Award for anything? Try reading this sentence and not laughing: “And the Academy Award for Best Actor goes to…NICK CANNON!” For what, Roll Bounce 2?

I guarantee you he’s never even been inside the Kodak theatre, and I’m including on tours during the month of November, the city’s least populous month for tourists. When you begin to get mad about not being nominated for an Oscar, sit back, take a deep breath, and remember: I’m not Nick Cannon.

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