Leave my ‘flix alone, and don’t eat my children
Do you LIKE scary movies, Sidney? You DO? Well seriously, stop reading this and watch these before they leave Netflix in November.
That’s right, the Netflix conglomerate is once again controlling our happiness with their digital puppet strings by dictating what we can and can’t see. Like Scream? Me too! GONE. How about Arnold Schwarzenegger as “Mr. Freeze” in “Batman & Robin?” Who DOESN’T?! Well “chill out,” because GONE. Rudy, The Blues Brothers, Stand By Me? Gone, Gone, GONE.
I’m frankly tired of politicians talking about putting up walls, and lowering taxes, and who did or didn’t leak classified information from the United States National Security Agency, we need someone in the White House who will take on the REAL issues, like WHY THE HELL IS SHANGHAI NOON LEAVING NETFLIX?!?
In other news, we need to, unfortunately, talk about Ben Fields.
If you don’t know (former) Deputy Fields by now, then you’ve been living under a rock. That, or he has chokeslammed you in a classroom and you haven’t yet regained consciousness, which is understandable.
Fields is the Richland County deputy depicted in the horrific video making the rounds online in which he quietly asked an African-American female student to get up from her desk. When she didn’t comply, he took the natural next step, putting her into a chokehold and flipping her desk over, slamming her to the ground and hurling her 12 feet across the room.
When probed with insinuations that his action were racially motivated, Fields’ boss pulled the ultimate “he has a black friend” defense by stating that the deputy is currently in a relationship with an African-American woman, so it’s cool. So to be clear, apparently as long as you associate with a member of another race it is perfectly fine to assault them. That’s the real lesson here.
Please stop South Carolina-ing, South Carolina.
Last but not least on the docket for this week’s Bell comes from Champlin, Minn., where a woman by the name of Carrie Pernula was arrested for sending an anonymous note to her neighbors telling them that their children “looked delicious” and asking if she could have a taste.
The story is that she was annoyed with the neighborhood children, so this was naturally the best course of action.
Soon after, the family began to receive magazine subscriptions. “Instead of a name on the address label, it said things like ‘tasty children’ along those lines,” Champlin Deputy Police Chief Ty Schmidt said. Champlin police traced the magazines and arrested Pernula last month.
Look I get it, kids can be annoying, but threatening to eat them should ALWAYS be the last resort in a domestic dispute.
Speaking of eating people, don’t miss 2013’s “Zombie Massacre,” coming to Netflix this November!
That’s all for this week. Stay tuned for more updates, news, weird stories and odd rationalizations coming up next time!
This story was originally published November 4, 2015 at 11:48 AM with the headline "Leave my ‘flix alone, and don’t eat my children."