Blue Light Special | Theft and car chase may just have been Nicolas Cage stealing the Declaration of Independence

‘National Treasure’ remake?

A police chase involving a man and South Carolina Highway Patrol troopers ended in Conway with a car crash, as they always do, and the man was arrested in connection to a store burglary that had just happened, according to an Horry County police report.

What a wonderful twist to the story.

The suspect, a resident of Charlotte, N.C., is charged with second-degree burglary (OK WHAT is second degree burglary, how is that a thing? I get the concept, but it’s simple, you either stole stuff or you didn’t, you didn’t kind of steal stuff) and was being held at the J. Reuben Long Detention Center.

Police said they were called about 12:13 a.m. Tuesday to Jay’s Food Mart at 4010 W. U.S. 501 in Conway after someone broke the front glass door and took items … no that’s really what the report says, he took items. I like to think of the “items” as the Declaration of Independence. And I like to think of the “suspect” as Nicolas Cage.

Authorities reviewed surveillance footage of the incident and said they saw “Cage” go behind the store counter and into the store office then leave with a cigar box in hand. Which is clearly where all money in all businesses should always be kept. And also the Declaration of Independence.

While police were still at Jay’s Food Mart (the Rotunda of the National Archives Building) investigating, they got information from dispatchers about an ongoing car chase involving a suspect (Cage) and SCHP troopers, authorities said.

The pursuit ended when the suspect crashed into a curb near U.S. 501 and Mill Pond Road and was taken into custody by highway patrol troopers.

Horry County police went to the scene and noticed the apprehended man looked like the burglary suspect (Nicolas Cage) in surveillance footage, according to the report.

Authorities said they found a cigar box in the crashed car the man had been driving, and a gas station employee identified it and other “items” (Declaration of Independence) found in the car as the store’s property, and a burglary charge soon followed.

*All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Well I mean Nicolas Cage is real, he just didn’t actually steal anything. Except in “National Treasure” when he stole the Declaration of Independence. But that was a film, not real life, so chill out. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The wording of this disclaimer differs from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, and from country to country, as does its legal effectiveness.

Don’t mess with shoppers

Two women were walking up to Belk at Coastal Grand mall Sunday afternoon when a woman standing outside ran up and grabbed one woman’s purse, authorities said.

The women chased the suspect down, cornered her outside the mall in some bushes, and held her down until Myrtle Beach police arrived, according to an incident report.

Which proves that whatever you do, you DON’T MESS WITH WOMEN GOING SHOPPING. It’s a death sentence.

Danielle Marie Maloney, 32, of Surfside Beach, is charged with strong arm robbery (that sounds so much more menacing than regular arm robbery) and was released from the J. Reuben Long Detention Center on Monday,.

Officers were called about 1:45 p.m. Sunday, and a 45-year-old woman told them she and a friend were walking up to Belk when a woman ran up and forcefully snatched her purse from her shoulder, causing her to fall to the ground, police said. And then it was ON.

The victim said Maloney then took off with her purse toward the parking lot, and the victim and her friend began to chase her, which is always a smart move. Except in this case it worked, so go them.

The victim’s friend said she grabbed Maloney from behind and held her down in some bushes with the victim until police arrived, authorities said.

The victim said two unknown men also helped, according to the police report, which means they were most definitely Batman and Robin. But not the Bale or Affleck versions, I’m thinking Adam West and Burt Ward.

Hot commodity: tailgates

Georgetown County Sheriff’s Office authorities are asking for the community’s help in finding a larceny suspect after a truck tailgate was taken from a Pawleys Island Chevrolet dealership, police said.

You read that right. A TAILGATE. Was stolen. For those of you who don’t know what that is, a TAILGATE is a hinged flap at the back of a truck that can be lowered or removed (apparently) when loading or unloading the vehicle.

Authorities said about 9 p.m. on Aug. 21, the suspect’s vehicle, sans tailgate (presumably) entered the parking lot of Coastal Chevrolet at 8559 Ocean Highway, parked behind a 2013 gray F-150 truck, and then left the parking lot. The following morning the gray F-150 was missing its tailgate, police said.

The assumption is that the suspect will be back, only this time it’s for the bumper.

The suspect’s vehicle is described as a 1998-2003 burgundy F-150 with extended cab and long bed, according to authorities.

So for those of you following along out there, we’re officially putting out an APB for a 1998-2003 burgundy F-150 with extended cab and long bed and a GRAY TAILGATE.

Anyone who recognizes the vehicle or has any information regarding this incident is urged to contact the Georgetown County Sheriff’s Office at 843-546-5101.

Woman’s missing pocketbook found... with woman

You just can’t make this up. You could try, but you would be unsuccessful.

When Myrtle Beach police arrived to an apartment building they found a 50-year-old injured and intoxicated woman lying on the ground and claiming she was robbed of a pocketbook at a grocery store, but authorities said they found her pocketbook still on her.

Which, if we’re being honest here, is downright hilarious.

Officers were called about 3:30 a.m. Friday to an apartment complex on the 100th block of Cedar Street after a man who lives in the apartment the woman was lying in front of called police on her behalf after she knocked on his door and said she was robbed of her phone and $1,000, police said.

And just so everyone is clear, the correct place to go when you’re the (alleged) victim of a crime is NOT, in fact, the police station, but an apartment complex on the 100th block of Cedar Street. That’s where you go. Just roll in, give that door a knock, and then, you know, lie on down there on the street. Someone will be with you shortly.

The man told police he did not know the woman, clearly, but just called authorities for her.

Police said the woman appeared to be having trouble breathing, had a black eye, and was grabbing her chest as if it hurt. Well come on now, she was probably broken-hearted due to her purse being stol— oh wait no there it is.

Officers called EMS who arrived and took the woman to the hospital for treatment.

The woman told police she was robbed (she wasn’t) at a grocery store at 1009 U.S. 501, and that two suspects took her pocketbook and phone (they didn’t).

The woman also said she crawled from the store to the apartment building, but police noted there was no dirt on her knees. (Which means she didn’t.)

The woman told authorities they could look through her pocketbook that was stolen from her, which police said was still on her and in fact NOT stolen.

Officers said they didn’t find a phone inside, but said the victim did have a couple dollars in her wallet, and noted multiple other belongings still in her pocketbook. That they were holding. Which wasn’t stolen.

Other officers were called to the scene of the robbery that wasn’t and continued to investigate.

This story was originally published September 7, 2015 at 7:35 AM with the headline "Blue Light Special | Theft and car chase may just have been Nicolas Cage stealing the Declaration of Independence."