Donald Trump is running for president (and WINNING, PLEASE go vote), Zac Hanson turns 30 this year, and One Direction is breaking up. It’s dark times, people. The bigger issuer here, I think, is that OMG THE NEW iPHONE 6S IS PINK.
Ok “rose-gold”, but whatever, tomato/potato. Speaking of Apple, is it way too early to be rebooting a Steve Jobs biopic? I mean I agree that Michael Fassbender is definitely more Steve Jobs-y than Kelso from “That 70’s Show” but still. These are things that we need to talk about.
So with that in mind, we begin our series aimed at giving you essential news and facts to help you not fail at life.
▪ Item #1 on the docket: Guitar Hero Live is coming out Oct. 20. This is not your ordinary “Guitar Hero” game, people, the folks over at Freestyle Games and Activision have upped their game, in a tremendous way. Gone are the horrifying representations of guitarists and band mates of past. The new take on the game features live audiences reacting to you sucking at guitar. When you play well of course the mood changes and there’s a super good chance you will see boobs. Not digital boobs but real boobs. But don’t quote me on that, I haven’t played it yet, we’re just wishful thinking here.
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▪ If you’re a hermit and don’t want to see other people, relax. I understand. You’ll probably be more interested in the fact that Netflix has just released Gotham season 1, The Walking Dead season 5, and of course Tremors 5: Bloodlines. That series has really come a long way. Young Leo all the way to Jamie Kennedy. No seriously. Jamie Kennedy is in Tremors 5.
The releases come just in time for the Fall lineup, with Gotham’s sophomore season already under way and Rick Grimes and company getting set to kick things off Oct. 11.
▪ Speaking of the undead, you need to be watching AMC’s “Fear the Walking Dead.” I’ve already heard a lot of complaints from people to the tune of, “It’s not good, it’s slow, there aren’t enough zombies,” to which I reply, “You are the entitled generation. Zombies do not come when you call. Wait it out.” FTWD is a prequel. “Pre” meaning “before.” Before zombies. The zombies are coming. That’s what she said.
Stay tuned for more reviews and updates of the real things that matter. Like the fact that “Back to the Future Part II” is actually happening: it’s 2015 and Donald Trump is running for president and Donald Trump is legitimately a carbon copy of Back to the Future’s “Biff Tannen,” and we’re all doomed.