The following has been decreed to me, and I am commanded to spread the word of these Revelations:
Thou shalt not afflict thy feet by donning the abominations called by the name “Ugg boots.”
As God’s own son has died selflessly for your sins, so to does he die more each time you carry a handbag bearing the name “Coach,” especially on the same day as you don the shoe by the name of “flip-flop.” To do so is to forsake God’s son, and cause him to roll in his grave, for he suffers to see you afflict thy body so.
As God has raised up thy hearts and spirits, raise up thy bosoms to the heavens. Raise them high! High, as high as I have raised ye! For when thy bosom descends unto Satan, it grazes thy navel -- that mark of life God has stamped upon you, which you desecrate with a drooping bosom.
Generously, God has given the sun for warming the earth. Do not permit it to scorch thy precious skin, for if you do God will set thy skin aglow an orange more orange than the trumpets of Jerusalem.
As God has forbidden the scorching of thy skin by the sun, so too does he forbid the scorching of thy skin by the manmade contraption called “tanning bed.” If thou lay in the tanning bed, thou will emerge with skin as withered as Methuselah.
Only those among you who are pregnant with child may don the clothing reserved for expecting ladies. If you forsake him, and cover thy empty womb with fabric too willowy for thy frame, he shall strike you barren.
For what purpose does thou paint thy fingernails the inky color of a black night, unless thou art “goth”?
And for what purpose does thou stain thy cheeks in a fiery hue, when thy cheeks ought not glow in the dark as a demon of the Devil?
Unless thou art a television newscaster, in which case thou have forsaken God in all of his commandments, thou shalt not wear thy hair in the style of a helmet. For to “tease” thy hair is a desecration of the the tresses God has laid lovingly upon your head.
Thou art forbidden from donning a trouser fashioned from denim, unless such trouser rises high above thy hip. For to sport a pant that pinches the fatty tissue of the hip is to forsake his kindness in making you in his very image.
Unless thou art still a lady child of youth, let not a ruffle beset thy clothing.
As real as his love for mankind, let that be as real as the jewels that adorn thy body. Thou art commanded against wearing jewels that come not from the earth. So too art thou commanded against permitting thy daughter to don jewels from the mall merchant by the name of “Claire’s.”
Let shoulder pads have their rightful place, and let that place be only in the uniforms of football players.
Contact Mande Wilkes, a local cultural commentator, at firstname.lastname@example.org.