Hons, my family's financial future is set if I can just convince my husband to step up and tell the world, or at least "People" magazine, that HE is the real father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.
At the rate men are signing up to claim daddyhood (and, perhaps not coincidentally, a chance to share the infant's potential multimillion dollar inheritance), I figure my hubby will come in just behind Urkel and slightly ahead of Donald Trump, who will announce, any day now, that "This baby has been fathered by the most handsome and charismatic producer and star of the most exciting reality show that has ever been shown in the history of television.
"And that includes your high-definition, your plasma and your just plain television."
Heck, the way things are going, I halfway expect Britney Spears, who I'm sure we can all agree has suffered a tragic lack of media attention lately, will try to convince us that she's the baby's real father.
Never miss a local story.
It goes without saying that Brit's ex, Kevin Federline, will eventually step up and, I'm betting, claim to be the biological father of Anna Nicole's baby.
As I've said before, that greasy white-boy rapper in the wife-beater isn't much to look at but he has a "Ghost Whisperer" scary supernatural ability to induce pregnancy.
Plus, frankly, he could use the money now that Brit's blowing it all on bad tattoos in the Valley and shaving her head so she looks like the world's only redneck Tibetan monk.
("Y'all, let's chant and make some of them sand pixtures, again, y'all.")
Whenever there is a paternity question, anywhere in the U.S. or abroad, I think K-Fed should be hauled in and swabbed.
Rosie O'Donnell is also rumored to be claiming to be the father on the grounds that she's more man than leading baby-daddy contender Howard K. Stern will ever be.
Then again, Rosie's more man than Ah-nold Schwarzenegger, who has vehemently denied that he is the father because he is "having to run Cali-fon-ee-ya's government and t'ings of t'at nature."
Of course, hubby thinks my idea is crazy on account of he's never actually met Anna Nicole Smith.
Look, if that danged old fool husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor's can claim to be the daddy - and y'all can just look at him and know he's shootin' blanks - I do not see why my hubby isn't willing to try to get a piece of the inevitable class-action suit.
The money, I figure, will be split equally among the hundreds, possibly thousands, of wannabe daddy's as time and resources will make individual DNA testing impossible.
Family first, I always say.