Discovery Channel’s tiara-topped toddlers teaching the wrong lessons

10/06/2013 2:10 PM

10/06/2013 2:11 PM

Does anyone remember The Learning Channel? You know, the real one, the one founded by the Department of Health, Education and Welfare that used NASA satellites to bring us educational shows?

Apparently it was bought out by Discovery. I would think that these two networks would have a similar vision, based alone on their names. Regretfully, double-speak is here to stay. Remember the term ‘Double-Speak’ aptly coined in George Orwell’s book, “1984,” where a word has the opposite meaning? In 2013, the word learning means moron and the term discovery now means to put your head in the sand.

I thought I’d seen everything when the first thing on display in every Wal-Mart across the nation are enormous bins of cheese-balls marketed to its Honey-Boo-Boo fans. But TLC’s Toddlers and Tiaras usurped even Honey Boo-Boo. I might understand if those obnoxious kids were competing for charities and the winner got the opportunity to present their winnings. This is defiantly not the case.

Instead we see 3 year olds wagging their tails, gyrating and practically dry humping the judges while their 100 metric ton mother’s disgustingly guide their striptease, I mean routine, from the floor. Does the phrase, vicariously living through your child ring a bell? Have you seen the pretend pout these kids try to simulate by pushing their chubby little lips out? Their little mouths look just like a blow-up doll.

This show brings to mind the Hieronymus Bosch’s painting, The Garden of Earthy Delights. After the judging is over, the cameraman zooms in on the winning brat as she proudly announces, “I is beautiful. Everybody else is ugly and me want money.”

I don’t know about you but I won’t be happy until the sequel to Toddlers and Tiaras is Street Walking Toddler and Viral Tiaras and the prize of Grand Supreme goes to the 3 year old with the most STDs.

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