Opinion

August 8, 2014

From the Belle Tower | Personalized Coke bottles need one more name

This Coke campaign that puts your name on 20-ounce bottles of Coke, Diet Coke and Coke Zero has, well, opened an old wound. Yes, it has transported me back to a childhood spent fruitlessly spinning the personalized name tag display searching in vain for “Celia.”

This Coke campaign that puts your name on 20-ounce bottles of Coke, Diet Coke and Coke Zero has, well, opened an old wound. Yes, it has transported me back to a childhood spent fruitlessly spinning the personalized name tag display searching in vain for “Celia.”

Ditto the extremely cool mini-license plates for bikes. Oh, sure. Plenty of Dianes, Donnas, Carols and Beths.

My friends were always sympathetic as we spun the rounder at the beach shop.

“Ha ha! Your name is stupid!” they said in unison.

I had managed to suppress this business until the fine folks at Coca-Cola resurrected my dormant feelings of “differentness.”

I spent an hour in Target yesterday looking through bottle after bottle for not my name, duh, but the Princess’. Alas, no such luck. The family curse continues. No Sophie. But yes! A Scott for Duh Hubby. What must it be like to live such a charmed life?

Not being the sharpest tool in the shed, it didn’t occur to me to look at the Coke website where there is a list of the thousands of names they do use on the new bottles.

Imagine, for a moment, my frustration at seeing that Coke has a bottle with Yesenia’s name on it. Ditto Omar, Sydney and Noor. Yes, Noor.

When I did the search for Celia, I got a nice little message that said, “Looks like your name isn’t in stores. On the upside, you have a really unique name!”

Oh, Coke. You really care. And imagine my surprise that my name is more unique than Shayla.

Now for those of us who aren’t lucky enough to have a, well, common name, there is a solution!

Coke has thoughtfully labeled some bottles “Friend” and others “Family.” There’s even a Dad and Mom and Sis and Bestie bottle. Might I suggest Human Being?

Now, because my mind works in the way one would expect when you have gone through life without any hope of a personalized neon nametag OR mini-license plate for her bike, I immediately thought this is a great opportunity to get even with your enemies, your Anti-Bestie, if you will.

Will Coke consider printing one with “Slut”? That could be a fun one to share with a smile, am I right? Would Coke maybe, just maybe, consider labeling one bottle “Homewrecker”? (For men or women, of course.)

I think the marketing possibilities are endless here. Using carbonated beverages to say the things you don’t have the guts to is genius! You just say, “Yoo hoo! I saw this at Target and thought of you!” before handing your landlord “Perv Who Won’t Even Fix My Toilet.”

OK, that’s a tad too specific, I suppose.

For those of us whom Coke has snubbed, we are invited to visit one of the roving kiosks during the Coke 500-stop summer tour, and they will customize a mini-Coke can just for you!

I checked, and the nearest one is a two-hour drive. Soooo worth it, right Ichabod?

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