The title says it all folks, and this week was a rotating carousel of things to talk about, so let’s get right into it.
To the shock and utter confusion of everyone, Coldplay was announced as the Super Bowl L halftime show this year. Coldplay. Super Bowl. Halftime show. The 50th Super Bowl in the history of the NFL, and it’s…Coldplay.
This is like in Smallville when Lex Luthor would always try to impress the students at Smallville High by booking a big name band to play an event like prom or homecoming, and it was always Lifehouse. Like, I could book Lifehouse, right now, for a barbecue I’m having later this week. I’m pretty sure I saw them advertising on Craigslist last week.
The last time Coldplay was relevant was when the lead singer was married to Pepper Potts from Iron Man and that isn’t even a thing anymore and also it’s Coldplay. This country has suffered enough, and the only summation I can come to is that this is the work of ISIS. I bet ISIS likes Lifehouse.
Speaking of ISIS, everyone can relax, President Obama said that everything is cool. Speaking after yet another mass shooting in San Bernardino, POTUS assured us that we would defeat the terrorists and live happily ever after and that everyone would get a free puppy. The biggest problem I have with this is apparently this was pertinent information that we all needed to know AT THE START OF SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.
It’s not important that we didn’t miss any of the game, that’s not the point. The point is, you had all day Monday to give us background noise in our various office settings. How about Tuesday? Not a thing going on on Tuesday. Wednesday we’re all booked up because of….wait…nope, Wednesday’s good. Sunday? Sunday is football day, Mr. President. I don’t care if Osama bin Laden came back from the dead and you re-killed him, it can wait.
Many people had less than polite things to say about the president and his speech on terror, including Fox News correspondents Lt. Col. Ralph Peters and Stacey Dash.
Wait - Stacey Dash?? Stacey Dash is a Fox News correspondent. When did the girl from Clueless start giving political advice? This can’t be right.
Anyway, Dionne from Clueless said that Obama’s speech was “an epic fail” and followed up with, ”I felt like he could give a s---, excuse me, like he could care less.” Yep. Cher Horowitz’s best friend Dionne Davenport dropped the S-word (not Stacey Dash) on Fox News. Where she is a political correspondent. Next Screech will be telling us why Paul Ryan sucks as Speaker of the House.
Lt. Col. Ralph Peters echoed the girl from Clueless’s sentiments on President Obama, albeit a little more harshly. Said Peters: “Well, first of all, he keeps speaking about ‘we can’t give into our fears.’ You know, ‘don’t be afraid.’ Look, Mr. President, we’re not afraid. We’re angry. We’re pissed off. We’re furious. We want to see you react. We want you to do something,” Peters began.”You’re afraid. I mean, this guy is such a total p-ssy, it’s stunning,” Peters said.”
That’s right. We now live in a country where the president was called a p-ssy on national television by a lieutenant colonel in the U.S. Army and then received shade from Dionne Davenport from Clueless. It’s a good time to be alive.
Will Muschamp was hired by the South Carolina Gamecocks as their 34th ever head football coach because apparently according to the NCAA rules all teams must have a warm body on the sidelines during games and Muschamp was already hanging out in the parking lot so, it was a natural fit.
The hire is certainly an odd one, considering Muschamp’s less than stellar record at every school he’s ever coached for. His last head coaching job was with Florida in 2014, leaving with a record of 28-21 (17-15 in SEC). For those of you who don’t know football, that’s not very good.
The Gamecocks had several targets for their coaching search, including Houston’s Tom Herman and Alabama defensive coordinator Kirby Smart. Herman opted to stay with Houston and Smart accepted the head coaching job at Georgia. But who really wants a head coach by the name of “Kirby” anyway? Arizona’s Rich Rodriguez also was considered, but apparently declined South Carolina’s offer to stay in Arizona. Which is fine, because we all remember how his time at Michigan panned out, finishing his inaugural season with a record of 3–9 (the worst season in school history) and failing to make a bowl game for the first time in 33 years. So yeah, enjoy the sun.
Last but certainly not least, basketball sensation and future Rogaine pitchman Lebron James has been paid an ungodly amount of money to sell you overpriced shoes for the rest of his life.
James signed an unprecedented lifetime contract with Nike this week, which means that he will always have more money than you. Details of the contract weren’t released, but sports agent David Falk, who represented Michael Jordan for most of his playing career, estimated its value at $400 million to $500 million.
Let’s just take a closer look at this.
Lebron James is 30 years old. The average male life expectancy in the world, according to the United Nations World Population, is 71 years old. Assuming the deal is worth the latter ($500 million), and if James lives out his full life expectancy, he stands to make:
$12,195,122.00 a year.
$1,016,260.16 a month.
$32,782.58 a day.
$1,365.94 an hour.
$22.76 a minute.
$.37 a second.
In the time it took me to do that math Lebron James just made $113. Enjoy your week.