If you can believe the tabloids, and I choose to do exactly that because Bigfoot is real, man, Beyonce has dissed Kim Kardashian by refusing to be a bridesmaid in her (sham-of-a) wedding to Kanye West later this year.
This makes the longstanding bromance between Bey’s husband, musical titan Jay Z and wee hit maker Kanye West, super awkward. While Kim likes to act and tweet as if the four of them are the Ricardos and the Mertzes (ask your parents), turns out Queen Bey can’t stand the Kardashian clan in general and Kim in particular.
While some speculate that this alleged feud is because Beyonce is the very definition of class and talent, two qualities she finds sorely lacking in her husband’s best friend’s fiancee, others have said that it’s because Beyonce isn’t going to be anybody’s bridesmaid, that simpering creature so often doomed to wear unflattering sherbet shades in taffeta and stand with other women as though she is one of them.
I totally buy the second theory. Beyonce’ isn’t anybody’s bridesmaid, yo? Sorry. Been binge-watching “Breaking Bad.” Again. She ain’t wearing shoes that match the punch for anybody, let alone the trifling heifer that is Kim Kardashian.
Perhaps you didn’t read the legit report that she and Kanye have hired a fancy-pants designer to make diamond encrusted shoes for their baby, the unfortunately named North West, so she can walk them down the aisle in style.
Diamond encrusted baby shoes. For a kid who can’t walk or talk. Although I’m guessing that if you look closely, you can see the words “Help me” appearing on North’s tiny stomach just like poor Regan in “The Exorcist.”
This shoe business has given rise to speculation that the corporate merger, er, happy couple, may not be able to wait for North to be old enough to toddle down the aisle on cue. If not, they’ll have to reach out to the second least mature member of the Kardashian clan, which would be the odious brother-in-law Scott Disick, who likes to refer to himself as “Lord.”
Yeah, that’s not offensive.
Beyonce simply can’t be bothered by the annoying and scantily clad gnat in her ear that is Kim Kardashian. I’m guessing that because she is fond of the groom, she will attend the nuptials (and she will look FABULOUS). The location is under wraps for now but there is serious speculation that “Kimye” will be wed at the Palace of Versailles. They have been seen frequenting a Paris eatery favored by Beyonce lately. Although Kim doesn’t like that the menu is in French and not her native “Waaaaaah.”
One could even (cruelly) speculate that France was chosen because poetry loving Kim once heard “There’s a place in France where the women wear no pants…”
So far, there is no mention of selling TV rights to the (seismically tacky) wedding to anyone unlike her last go-round, a short-lived, televised marriage to “some basketball player.” One can dream, yo?
CELIA RIVENBARK is the author of “Rude B****** Make Me Tired.” Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.