From the Belle Tower | Sky Mall or Sky Mauled?

From the Belle TowerAugust 30, 2013 

The best thing about airline travel is the Sky Mall catalog which will make you weep with desire for something you didn’t even know existed just minutes before.

“Harumph,” said Duh, watching me tenderly dog-ear pages on a flight last week. “Sky MAULED is more like it.”

How can he diss Sky Mall when it’s the only place on earth where you can buy a posture correcting sling AND a cat potty-training kit that guarantees results faster than “most people can potty train their kids”? The instructional DVD is only $50 but it’s just so hard to get the cat to sit upright in her posture-correcting sling to watch it.

Sky Mall has the most amazing pet merch, including a “ThunderShirt” that swaddles your jittery pets like that Temple Grandin hugging machine. “Calms pets during fireworks” the ad says. You know what else calms them during fireworks? Leaving them home.

Perhaps the most amazing pet product was a huge red tongue ($18) that is also a chew toy so you can take humiliating pictures of your dog. (Also available in giant red lips for $18.)

It’s the human stuff I love best, of course. Who knew that I even needed a $100 gizmo that holds my shoes and disinfects them while I sleep? Or that for a mere $60, I can buy a wand that I can wave over the sheets in a hotel room and destroy microorganisms in seconds.

Perhaps my favorite new product was the “Bottoms up Boxer Brief” for men “that lifts a man’s rear end without padding.” There is, if you like, “removable padding to adjust contour” all for a mere $37. What a magical evening that would be. Duh with his new padded rear end and me with my germ-killing light saber eradicating dust mites and eggs before we retire for the night.

There are tons of exercise products but they were the kind that a committed sedentarian such as myself would love. Actress and spokesmodel Lisa Rinna raved about “Flex Belt” gushing that “my abs feel like I’ve had the most amazing workout and I just wore Flex Belt around the house for 30 minutes. So it’s really just being smart.”

Yeah, because it would be super dumb to do anything else. I hear you Lisa Rinna!

The folks at Sky Mall seem to believe that air travelers are (1) really into their pets, (2) anti-exercise and (3) phobic about bedbugs. Guilty as charged. They’re also a bit nerdy. The center section is devoted to Hobbit paraphernalia (map of Middle Earth $40, Gandalf’s Illuminating Staff, $160) which I found tiresome. Mercifully, a few pages over was “The Peeing Boy of Brussels” statue and fountain in faux stone for $229. A bargain at twice the price, am I right?

What to order? That was easy once I saw the “Well Another Day Has Passed And I Didn’t Use Algebra Once” T-shirt for $18. Or maybe the fake taxidermied squirrel, $25 or maybe…

CELIA RIVENBARK is a New York Times best-selling author and columnist. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.

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