Letter | You win, Mr. President; Baa-baa

May 25, 2013 

Mr. President, admittedly I am a tad thick, but your subtle messages have finally registered in my syrupy brain. Please understand my past errors do not reflect the enlightened person I am today. I’m with the program.

Allow me to air my mistakes, as well as cast my bona fides in the proper light. Occasionally I drink tea however I am not a tea party member. Moreover, you’ll never hear the word “patriot” pass through my lips. Sure, I served in the military, but that doesn’t count since I was drafted. OK, I spent a few years in Iraq and Afghanistan, but again that was not really a choice either.

After I retired, my wife gave me an ultimatum — play golf, clean the oven or get out of the house and travel. I didn’t give golf much thought because unlike you, I’m not an athlete and although I’ve flown on a few choppers in my life, Marine One is not available to whisk me off to primo courses. Clean the oven? Geesh, I thought I’d bought a self-cleaning one. Along with many other faults, I am a low information consumer. Having nixed golf and a dirty oven, all that remained was another of your passions; travel to exotic destinations on the taxpayer’s dime. Thank you taxpayers — it was fun.

Benghazi does not make a difference to me. Oh yeah, the day after James Rosen was exposed as a traitor, I instructed Time Warner to install a V-Chip on my television to block Fox News. And regarding the other journalistic brouhaha, rest assured I will no longer read any news story carrying an AP byline. I’ve also realigned my thinking about the real heroes in America.

Gone are those I held in high esteem during my youth, replaced by a new breed of selfless icons: George Clooney, Robert Redford, Ben Affleck, Jamie Foxx, Tom Hanks. Hmm, they all put on girl’s make-up and play heroes, so I guess that doesn’t make them actual … never mind.

You’ll be happy to know that since the evil Republican plan to alter the climate is at best, a hit and miss proposition, I will use today’s limited clear and sunny window to replace my American flag with a white one. I surrender, Mr. President. I am all about change; it’s just that I need clear orders from the top banana. Just like it is done in Iraq and Afghanistan, tell this aging sheep how to vote in 2014 and I’ll stamp my thumb with purple ink for the politicians you decree.

The writer lives in Pawleys Island.

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