Re-gifting, once verboten, now seen as frugality

SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- Now that the frenzy of unwrapping is over, there undoubtedly are some things you'd never hope to see under the tree or next to the menorah: The striped sweater you'd never be caught dead in. The cloyingly scented soaps. The oddball appliance you definitely don't need in your kitchen.

Obviously, you can try to return or exchange those unwanted gifts. But there's always that other possibility: re-gifting them to someone else.

According to etiquette experts, the practice can be gauche or gracious, depending on how you carry it off.

And while it's nothing new, it's got plenty of adherents, even those who don't want to admit it.

“Re-gifting is such a taboo, and it shouldn't be. It's being smart, being green, being economical,” said Dawn Cannon, a Roseville, Calif.-based professional organizer. “Why keep something you don't enjoy when you know someone who would absolutely love it?”

Even Cindy Post Senning, the great-granddaughter of the late etiquette expert Emily Post, says — albeit reluctantly — that re-gifting is OK, as long as it's done correctly and thoughtfully.

At the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt., where seven of Post's descendants maintain a good-manners website and recently issued the company's 18th etiquette edition, re-gifting is a popular topic this time of year.

“Generally, we advise against re-gifting because the potential for hurt feelings is high,” said Senning. “However, we recognize that re-gifting has become something pretty widely practiced.”

In one recent study, about a third of respondents said they regularly re-gift.

“For some, it's thrift in difficult economic times or … a way to get around annoyingly high expectations about gift-giving,” according to Burcak Ertimur, a business marketing professor at Fairleigh Dickinson University, whose 2010 study surveyed New Jersey residents.

The popularity of re-gifting also is due to “awareness of, or guilt over, how much stuff goes into the landfill,” Ertimur said, in a news release last year from the Madison, N.J.-based university.

Here are some tips for those who are eyeing all that stuff they got during the holidays and thinking of passing it along:

•  Give the right response: First of all, when opening a gift — on any occasion, not just holidays — it's wise to “lower your expectations,” said Ellen Lubin-Sherman, a New York-based author and business executive coach. “It's rude to open a gift and look disappointed. If someone went to the trouble of getting you a gift, you should be thinking of them,” not how quickly or where you're going to unload it.

•  Do it thoughtfully: Recycling a gift should never be done because “it's something you don't want,” noted etiquette expert Senning, “but because it's something you know they would love and enjoy.”

•  Add some pizzazz: “If you're thoughtful and you add a little sizzle, it's OK to do it. … Rethink the presentation: What can I add to make it a more exciting gift?” said Lubin-Sherman.

She once received a small dog sculpture, purchased from an art gallery. Only problem: She's deathly afraid of dogs. “So I gave it to a dog person. I put a ribbon around its neck with a little tag, ‘This dog belongs to (name of recipient).’ ”

Another time, she repackaged a gift candle in a Chinese takeout box with chopsticks and a New Year good-fortune message.

If it's a coffee mug that doesn't fit your decor, add a fresh bag of coffee beans. If it's a crazy-patterned scarf, pair it with some zany socks.

•  Think outside the box: Generally, avoid using the box the gift came in, especially if from a now-defunct company, such as Marshall Field, Mervyn's or Circuit City.

But if it's an appliance or electronics, it should be in the original box, along with any instruction manuals and warranties.

Take out all the tissue paper to be sure there isn't a note or receipt tucked inside.

•  Definite no-nos: “Never re-gift to someone who you know would hate it as much as you do,” said Lubin-Sherman.

And never re-gift anything that's personalized or handmade, has been worn or used, is out of style (unless it's become retro-cool or vintage), or is no longer edible (check expiration dates on chocolate or packaged foods).

•  Use caution on gift cards: A gift card is easily re-giftable, especially if it's to a store or restaurant that's not your favorite.

But don't give a partially used gift card that's for an odd amount. If you've got $14.53 left on a Starbucks card, for example, don't pass it to someone else.

•  Keep a “repurposing” bin: As a personal organizer, Cannon sees many clients overloaded with unwanted gifts they can't part with, mainly for two reasons: fear (“I might need it someday”) or guilt (“My neighbor will come over and see that her ‘Home Sweet Home' pillow isn't on the couch.”)

Instead, Cannon suggests keeping a big plastic bin labeled, of course, “Gifts for Others.” Store those gifts with a taped note, showing the date and the person who gave it to you. When you have a gift-giving occasion, the bin is your go-to store.

•  Another option: Hang onto those unwanted gifts for next year's “Swapmas” or “Crapmas” gift exchanges, which are the snarkier names for the traditional “white elephant” or Secret-Santa-type gatherings with friends, family or work colleagues. Everyone brings an unwanted gift, which is opened and traded in a spirit of good-humored banter.

•  Donate it: If you can't return, exchange or re-gift it, then donate your excess to a good cause: a favorite charity, a seniors' residence, a Goodwill or Salvation Army site. If you get a receipt, you can take a tax donation for the item.

•  Keep the keepsakes: If it's a hand-knitted sweater or something personal from a family member or close friend, don't re-gift it. If Grandma crocheted you a beanie, it's better to wear it next time you see her, rather than toss it because you don't like the teddy-bear pattern.

For gifts that come from the heart, tuck them into a drawer as a memento of someone special.

•  Show appreciation: Even if you feel somewhat slighted by a gift that's obviously re-gifted, you still owe a thank-you note.

“I wouldn't lie and say it was the most drop-dead gift I received,” said Lubin-Sherman. “Say something nice like, ‘I appreciate that you took the time' … or the ‘I-bet-it-was-hard-to-find' compliment.”

Emily Post's great-granddaughter agrees. “Find the positive … the thing you can say truthfully,” said Senning. “Name the gift. Thank the person for thinking of you.”

So next year, save yourself from holiday excess. Re-gift if you must, but do it with thought and heart.

RE-GIFTING: GRACIOUS OR GAUCHE?

•  What it is: Taking an unwanted gift and giving it to someone else.

•  Why we talk about it: It's not a new concept, but catapulted into popular culture after a 1995 “Seinfeld” TV episode, when the character Elaine got miffed when her gift to someone was re-gifted to Jerry, the show's namesake.

•  Who does it: 68 percent of women and 47 percent of men say they re-gift (or are thinking about it), according to a 2007 Money Management International survey.

•  Pros: It's “green,” economical, practical.

•  Cons: It risks offending the giftee and/or embarrassing the gifter.

•  How to do it correctly: Personalize the gift by adding your own touches. Be sure it's something you know the other person would truly love. Use new wrapping, box, tags, etc.

•  How to do it badly: Re-gifting something handmade, monogrammed or personalized; re-gifting something used (i.e. appliances) or worn (i.e. clothing); forgetting to remove the gift card or note from the original giver.