Issac J. Bailey | Parenting must change with the times

Had my mother been raising her nine boys and two girls in today’s environment, she would have been arrested for child abuse and her children thrown into foster care.

My stepfather, the man who stepped in to help my mother raise us after she left an abusive quarter-of-a-century long marriage, would have been jailed for neglect or reckless endangerment.

My mother beat us with switches, leather belts and cords that left marks and welts on our bodies.

My stepfather let us ride in the back of the pick-up truck, with the gate down, as he sped down the highway.

I can go on, but you get the point.

All of that came back to mind after it was recently reported that two young kids in Myrtle Beach told police about abuse they said they had been subject to at the hands of their parents.

An 11-year-old boy and 12-year-old girl told school officials and law enforcement about being hit multiple times with a belt and curtain rod.

Officers noted that there was a lump on the boy’s head, cuts and bruises to his lower back and severe bruises to his buttocks.

I make no judgment about that particular case, which led to the arrest of their father and his wife, and their kids being taken into protective custody.

The kids have a grandmother who loves them and are under the supervision of the S.C. Department of Social Services.

But the case made me think because even based on the few details we are aware of – and there are always more details only those closest to the case know – my parents would be in trouble today.

We didn’t receive spankings; we received beatings. I know now that my mother resorted to such a form of discipline for a variety of reasons, but mostly because she was literally afraid for our lives. She was a woman who had lost her first child in miscarriage while working too hard in the fields and watched her first-born son be handcuffed and shackled and locked away in prison three decades ago.

She didn’t want to lose the rest of us. She beat us because she loved us. Of that, I have no doubt.

But I have not followed in her footsteps with my kids.

I used to believe the beatings I received made the difference in my life. I’m no longer so sure.

I learned more from my mother by watching her stoically struggle through the unfairness of life and never complain and never give up.

And when I felt my worst, about one of my many screw ups, she was at her best, her most compassionate.

In those moments, she focused more on showing how much she loved me and less on direct discipline.

She provided challenges when I needed to be challenged and comfort when I needed comforting.

I know now that those things helped me more than the beatings.

My kids are growing up in an environment I didn’t.

I don’t face the same level of stress or pressure my parents did.

I live in a freer society than the one in which they grew, with more opportunities.

And the research on the effects of parenting and misplaced disciplinarian tactics is more comprehensive and reliable today than it was decades ago.

There’s no reason for me to parent my kids the way my parents raised me.

They are different. I’m different. Society is different.

I learned early on that my kids don’t need that type of discipline – though they need discipline and need to be challenged so they can fully understand what it means to overcome in any situation, that they are capable of persisting where others falter.

They respond to a variety of things, sometimes a good-talking-to, sometimes a regimen of jumping jacks, sometimes the removal of a favorite toy or suspension from a favorite activity.

I’ve also learned that they are pretty much the same all the time – doing things kids do – happily pushing boundaries, wanting cake more than spinach and either annoying or enjoying each other’s company.

Their actions bother me or cause me stress or make me angry only when I’m in a bad mood. When I’m in a good state of mind, it’s easier to think through effective parenting techniques versus blindly responding in a way similar to that I grew up witnessing.

Understanding that has been a revelation.

Parental expectations and parameters have changed, in many ways for the better, in some ways not.

The difficulty is trying to mesh the great things the parents of previous generations instilled in us – and they did an incredible job – with the most recent research that can make us more effective parents today.

I know my parents raised me the best way they knew how.

That doesn’t mean I should raise my kids in the same way.

And that is not a judgment; it is recognition of a new reality.