Thursday, Nov. 03, 2011

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Love’em or hate’em, the Transformers franchise has made it through to a trilogy – collecting almost $2 billion from the movies alone, that’s not counting the toys or apparel or whatever else they can transform into profits. The critics have had a field-day, ripping every new addition to the trilogy, but not me. I have learned to find a way to be a one-man Zen audience. Through a balance of meditation and alcohol, I’m an enhanced critic. I look with my third eye, past the mediocre acting, past the weak plots with maladroit climaxes, past the vapid Megan Fox whose love interest role was replaced this time around by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley – because Fox is that much of a pain in the ass. Nevermind the fact that I have to suspend belief...not that machines can transform into robots in disguise. No, I just can’t believe Shia LaBeouf could score either Fox or Huntington-Whiteley as a girlfriend. And to that point, how am I supposed to believe LaBeouf is a badass, when he keeps getting his ass kicked in bar fights? I look past all that, because my third eye just wants to see cool explosions in slow motion. I just want to see machines kick the shit out of each other. I keep trying to instigate a brawl between my toaster and my coffeemaker, but they just sit there like pacifists. This one didn’t do as well as the first two, ironically, it’s the best one – worth a watch.