I've always been convinced that no one would ever write lyrics weirder than Led Zeppelin's "If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now," which we all sang along to in the '70s because "Stairway to Heaven" was so awesome it didn't matter that the words made no sense.
The same was true of The Steve Miller Band's wretchedly wonderful songs, most famously this line from "Take the Money and Run": "Billy Mack's a detective down in Texas. You know he knows just what the facts is." Texas? Facts is? Sure. That rhymes.
America, a soft-rock band I loved in high school, wrote absolutely awful lyrics but nobody cared. The worst included a bizarre reference to "Alligator lizards in the air" from a song called "Ventura Highway" and the sadly memorable "There were plants and trees and rocks and things" from "A Horse With No Name." Things? THINGS????
It's oddly comforting then to read at Spinner.com that bad lyrics are still out there, and they may even be getting worse. My new(ish) favorites:
"If the light is off, then it isn't on," from "So Yesterday" by Hilary Duff. (And this was before she busted up with her boyfriend and got all Goth on us. Should we expect even deeper thoughts on the new album? I mean, she is brunette now and everything).
"I'll never let your head hit the bed (headboard?) without my hand behind it," from "Your Body Is A Wonderland" by John Mayer. I love Mayer but this is possibly the most un-romantic line I've ever heard. I hope he's not planning to write his own vows if he ever marries Jessica Simpson. ("I will never leave the toilet seat up, on account of you don't like it.")
"Lucky my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains," from "Whenever, Wherever" by Shakira. Three words: Lord. Have. Mercy.
"Young, black and famous, with money hanging out the anus" from Diddy's "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down." What can I add to that? Only that it's so beautiful it would bring tears to a glass eye, that's all.
"My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps," from, you guessed it, "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. My lunch, my lunch, I swear it's coming up!
"If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room," from "Invisible" by Clay Aiken. Creepiest lyrics since The Police promised to monitor "every breath you take." Tip: If Clay spies on you, just stomp your foot at him. He'll cry like a little girl.
Dumb lyrics are here to stay, and I love 'em like a fat kid loves cake.
ONLINE | To read past Celia Rivenbark columns, go to her page at MyrtleBeachOnline.com.