MyrtleBeachOnline.com: Celia Rivenbark

Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 00:21 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

With all the depressing talk of gas-saving "staycations" this summer, it's no surprise that I'm getting lots of news releases from people who want me to promote the ultimate staycation: The Family Camping Experience.

Clearly the public relations folks at these companies don't know me or they would realize that sending me a news release that offers suggestions on how to, and I am not making this up, "Cook on a Mountainside in the Worst Conditions" was a mistake. Sorry but I happen to think that the words "vacation" and "worst conditions" go together almost as well as, say, Barack Obama and plaid flannel.

Facebook entry nets frisky friends

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 00:24 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

I guess I should've paid more attention when my 10-year-old and her friend mentioned that I should have a MySpace page or perhaps something on Facebook.

Bored one afternoon, they asked if they could create my profile. I said "Sure," because I really just wanted them to shut up so I could finish reading about how Oprah is basically living off flax-seed tea and cardboard toilet paper rolls these days to lose weight.

Honesty in the name of fashion

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 00:22 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

If you've been shopping for fashionable ladies' clothing lately (not you, Clay Aiken!), you may have noticed the weird naming trend embraced by mall fixtures like Ann Taylor, Banana Republic and Coldwater Creek.

For instance, are you an "Audrey?" At Ann Taylor, that's the name of the pant that sits exactly on your natural waist, attends PTA meetings in a punctual manner and always volunteers to help make the Popsicle-stick arks at Vacation Bible School.

Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 00:28 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

It doesn't win me any points with the other Mommies, but I tend to loudly yell "BOOOOOOO!" and make lots of exaggerated thumbs-down gestures whenever a kid skips up to the stage to receive a perfect attendance certificate at the end of the school year.

Sure, it's a little unorthodox, some might even say rude, but I don't think it's any ruder than risking everybody else's health just so you can get a stupid fill-in-the-blank award certificate from Office Depot. You know what we got for your kid's perfect attendance? The month of March with a scaly rash and violently unpredictable diarrhea.

Birthday promise sets bad example

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:18 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

When Charla Muller's husband turned 40, the Charlotte, N.C., mom of two decided to give him a gift he'd never forget, a gift that would last all year long.

Omaha steaks? Fruit o' the month? Not hardly. Charla decided that she would make love to her husband every day for a whole year. No matter what. No excuses.

Birthday promise sets bad example

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:18 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

When Charla Muller's husband turned 40, the Charlotte, N.C., mom of two decided to give him a gift he'd never forget, a gift that would last all year long.

Omaha steaks? Fruit o' the month? Not hardly. Charla decided that she would make love to her husband every day for a whole year. No matter what. No excuses.

Eagerly awaiting Carrie, gang

Mon, 26 May 2008 00:22 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

It's been too long, Charlotte, Miranda, Samantha and Carrie. Oh, how I've missed my favorite imaginary girlfriends.

Sure, I've never even tried on a Manolo and was backward enough to think that, at least 90 percent of the time, Carrie dressed like a complete prosti-slut, but that's just because I didn't understand True High Fashion. Her horizontal-striped knee socks with itsy-bitsy shorts and suspenders over a snug-fitting tank were New York chic, and I was just too "turn off the paved road" Kountry to get it.

Eagerly awaiting Carrie, gang

Sun, 25 May 2008 00:17 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

It's been too long, Charlotte, Miranda, Samantha and Carrie. Oh, how I've missed my favorite imaginary girlfriends.

Trendy new ailment not for everybody

Sun, 18 May 2008 00:18 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

What would it be like to remember every single event in your life, from the kind of cake you had at your third birthday party to how much you paid for a Grand Funk Railroad album?

Life's highs and lows never forgotten because of hyperthymestic syndrome.

Next, airlines will tell us destinations

Mon, 12 May 2008 00:16 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

Flight Attendant | "Good morning everyone, and welcome to OneHotMess Airlines! We hope you'll enjoy your flight today. In the meantime, relax, those of you who opted for the additional $30 surcharge for seats with 38 inches of pitch. For the rest of you, may God have mercy on your souls."

Pilot | "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. From the flight deck, it looks like we'll enjoy a beautiful morning with clear skies and stunning views. As we approach the Grand Canyon, those of you who opted for window seats at an additional $5 will be allowed to see it. The rest of you must close your eyes or risk the additional $10 late sign-up fee. Sneak-peekers will have their retinas removed by the beefy undercover air marshal sitting in 4A. And thank you again for choosing OneHotMess Airlines."

Hillary and Obama come a' courtin'

Sun, 04 May 2008 00:41 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

Hons, I haven't been this popular since everybody in the trailer park found out I knew how to steal cable.

Which is to say, I am VERY popular right now. And so are a lot of my friends who are registered Democrats living in the great state of North Carolina.

Millions fret over Jenna Bush's choice

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 00:14 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

It's none of my business, but why is Jenna Bush dissing a White House wedding? I mean, a woman's wedding day is the most special day or two or three of her life. Oh, sorry. Was that cynical?

Spurning the White House Rose Garden for Crawford, Texas, seems an odd decision considering the only thing most people know about the town is that it is brutally hot, even in May, and there is, apparently, an inordinate amount of brush to be cleared at any given time. To hear the president talk about it, one would think that it's entirely possible that you will be turned into human shrubbery if you stand still long enough in Crawford. Not to worry; the president has a chain saw with him at all times on the "rainch." OK, maybe you should worry a little.

Song lyrics have only gotten dumber

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

I've always been convinced that no one would ever write lyrics weirder than Led Zeppelin's "If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now," which we all sang along to in the '70s because "Stairway to Heaven" was so awesome it didn't matter that the words made no sense.

The same was true of The Steve Miller Band's wretchedly wonderful songs, most famously this line from "Take the Money and Run": "Billy Mack's a detective down in Texas. You know he knows just what the facts is." Texas? Facts is? Sure. That rhymes.

Building up for flat screen TV plunge

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

Duh-Hubby and I have been arguing about when to take the flat-screen, high-def TV plunge. I say that we should wait for our bloated-looking old-fashioned TV to die of natural causes because this is what Al Gore would want us to do. Hubby says that we should seize the day because all of our friends already have the new screens.

"And if all our friends drove off a cliff, would you do that, too?"

'Follow, dear' is easier said than done

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

Maybe it's because I got hooked on watching "Dancing With the Stars." Maybe it's because we've been married for nearly 20 years and the closest thing to a formal dance hubby and I can do is the hokey pokey. And even that's dicey because I often forget to put my whole self in.

Whatever the reason, here we were, one Sunday afternoon a week, taking Beginning Ballroom Dance in a mirror-lined room alongside a dozen other jittery couples wearing "Hello" nametags. In my mind, I would be Lisa Rinna to hubby's Harry Hamlin. We'd be good at this. After all, didn't we have several decades' experience standing around with our eyes closed, swinging our heads from side to side during "Free Bird"? We had rhythm. Sort of.

Baby-daddies coming out of the woodwork

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

Hons, my family's financial future is set if I can just convince my husband to step up and tell the world, or at least "People" magazine, that HE is the real father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.

At the rate men are signing up to claim daddyhood (and, perhaps not coincidentally, a chance to share the infant's potential multimillion dollar inheritance), I figure my hubby will come in just behind Urkel and slightly ahead of Donald Trump, who will announce, any day now, that "This baby has been fathered by the most handsome and charismatic producer and star of the most exciting reality show that has ever been shown in the history of television.

Easy to tell astronaut not a Southerner

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

While everybody else was slack-jawed over lovesick astronaut Lisa Nowak's "she's-come-undone" behavior, I just thought to myself: "Isn't that just like a Yankee to think nothing of getting in the car and driving 14 hours straight to Florida?"

Southerners just don't do this.

TV's pithy nostalgia runs amok

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

I recently ordered something from one of those "as seen on TV" places. I won't tell you the name because I don't want to be sued or have a shadowy figure in a hot pink velour sweat suit hold me down and staple my skull with a million tiny little decorative rhinestones and beads "guaranteed to add excitement to any outfit!"

Call it nostalgia, call it an unfortunate mix of prescription cough syrup and Red Bull, call it whatever you want, but I recently had an irrational desire to uh, dazzle up, "an array of sweaters, hats, dresses, slacks, even school book covers!" with these little multicolored beads and brads and jewels.

Autos now built to foil drunken drivers

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

S o you think you're not too drive to drunk?

Let's just see what your Japanese car has to say about that, Bubba.

You can't make a deal with greed

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

I 've been watching "Deal or No Deal" for the past couple of weeks and I've decided that America's going straight to h-e-double hockey sticks.

And soon.